The Mental Load of Motherhood: Why You Feel Exhausted 

Even When You  ‘Aren’t Doing Anything’

By Grace Guyton, LMFT

If you’re a mother, you’re probably familiar with the phrase “mental load”.  It’s a term that’s gained more popularity in the last few years, but is hardly a new concept.  

What is the “mental load”?

The mental load can be thought of as the invisible, unpaid, cognitive and emotional work that goes into running a family, household, and daily life.  It’s the behind the scenes tasks that are required to make a household run smoothly.  The planning, organizing, and remembering that’s done on a daily basis.  What groceries do we need to get from the store?  How’s the dog doing on food, is it time to order another bag? Is the uniform clean for the game on Saturday?  We all carry some degree of this cognitive responsibility, but women oftentimes bear the brunt of the mental load, especially in heterosexual couples.  Even in couples where both partners work full-time, women tend to carry 71% of the domestic load.

Mothers carry even more of this invisible work as they often scan the home environment trying to get a reading on everyone’s needs and emotional well-being.  Women are conditioned to not only anticipate others' needs, but feel responsible for meeting them.  They often become the “default parent” placing an unequal amount of the mental, emotional, and cognitive load on their shoulders. 

Effects of the mental load of motherhood

Being the sole or primary carrier of the mental load can be exhausting.  It feels never ending and requires a lot of brain power to remember and do all the things.  It can also have unwanted effects on one’s well-being, relationships, and even physical health. Many mothers experience an increase in stress and anxiety as they try to juggle all this cognitive work. The continuous nature of the mental load has a cumulative effect over time.  Even when you may not be actively doing something in the moment, you still feel worn down and tired.  

You may have also noticed that the toll of the mental load has crept into your relationship with your partner as well.

You may feel:

• Decrease of relationship satisfaction

• Resentment towards your partner

• Decreased desire to connect physically with your partner

• Putting your relationship on the back-burner

Burnout, Resentment, and Feeling Disconnected

When you’re constantly managing everyone’s emotions and organizing daily life, you will eventually hit a wall.  Many mothers I talk with experience this as feeling irritated, drained, decision-fatigued, struggling with motivation, feeling emotionally disconnected or lonely, and participating in activities that are distracting more than restful or renewing (think, scrolling through Instagram).  They feel guilty asking for help but are also resentful when they don’t get it.  

If any of this sounds familiar, know that you're not alone.  It’s an unrealistic expectation to think you can continuously juggle all of this and come out unscathed.  It’s too much for any one person to manage.  

What to do?

So, if you find all of this resonating with you, you’re probably wondering, well what do I do about this?  How do I change things?

1. Name It- The first step to shedding some of the mental load is to name what you’re carrying it and how it’s impacting you.  Notice and name aloud what emotions, thoughts, or other experiences you’re noticing as a result of everything you’re carrying.  “I’m feeling really overwhelmed trying to keep all the balls in the air, and I can’t keep doing it” or “I’m feeling frustrated that so much of this work falls on my shoulders”.  Gaining clarity about your mental load and how it’s impacting you helps you to make future changes.  

2. Share It- Next, share what you’re experiencing with your partner and find ways to share more of the load.  And I want to be really clear, this isn’t just asking your partner to help execute these tasks, it’s offloading the whole task from conception to completion.  Instead of asking your partner to help cook, ask them to take over the whole task of meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking.  Everything that “cooking”  or “laundry” or “taking care of the dog” entails is handed over to them.  It’s a shifting of responsibility off your plate and onto theirs. 

3. Adjust Expectations- Part of releasing some of the mental load may be adjusting your expectations of all you’re supposed to be doing and how well you’re supposed to be doing it.  Maybe every dinner doesn’t have to be homemade or a little extra screen-time on the weekends so that you can rest isn’t the end of the world.  Rather than striving for perfection, think about what’s “good enough”.  

4. Examine Values- One thing I love to do with clients is help them gain clarity around what values are most important to them.  We then use these values as guideposts when making decisions in life.  For moms, I would encourage you to think about why you’re doing what you’re doing.  Is it because it’s something that feels particularly meaningful, fulfilling, or important, or are you getting caught up in societal expectations or pressure?

5. Get Support- Reach out to friends and family and let them know what you’re going through.  Let them care for you and accept their offers of help.  If you’re able to outsource any tasks (I realize this is a privileged option), look into what might be most helpful.  See if there’s a mom’s group or other support group that could provide a space for you to help process and hold all of this.  And, if you feel that you’re wanting or needing more support and guidance, consider reaching out to a therapist.  

Being a mother brings many wonderful experiences, but the demands and expectations are never ending.  It's important to know that what you're going through is normal and there are things you can do to improve how you're feeling.  Remember that it's just as important to to take care of yourself as everyone else. 

Helping Moms in Sandy Springs

If you’re a mom in the Sandy Springs, Dunwoody, or north Atlanta area and are struggling with the mental load of motherhood, I’d love to walk alongside you and find ways to lighten your mind and spirit.  You can click here to schedule a consultation call or appointment.